This portion of The Cluttered Mind started some time back as a democratic process to electing monthly Douche Bags, better known as "Douche Bag of the Month -- DBOTM." The general candidates for this prestigious classification were generally of national prominence - celebrities, athletes, politicians, with the occasional inclusion of organizations such as the Republican Party and the Miami Dolphins, and few concepts from time to time, like immigration reform and God. Those days were fun! Each month, cult followers of The Cluttered Mind - or those who accidentally stumbled across the site while looking for peach cobbler recipes - had the opportunity to select which qualified piece of shit would fill the role best of "Douche Bag of the Month." This site, also known as The Cleansed Mind (clean and fresh from a good douching) lasted for almost 3 1/2 years. However, as time went on, I evolved into a 3 legged human, with the 3rd leg finding a mind of its own. Fearless, this 3rd leg found itself embarking on exciting adventures - one which would change my life forever. One day in early 2006, my 3rd leg entered a dark cave unsure what it would find. Minutes later, its allergies kicked in and it sneezed. Metaphor aside, 9 months later I had a baby, which equaled no free time to maintain a website. So, I had to turn to plan B, which was make a site that would support itself and require minimal updates. So, I turned to the yellow pages to try to call someone for a few answers, but in Miami, "No Halba Ingles" was the universal response I received. So, I began analyzing the data of the last 3 1/2 years to find out that of the 41 months this site was up and running, 27 of those months had Douche Bags with a political background and/or religious based themes, which for the last 8 years have all sort of been one in the same. I found this data interesting and asked myself why would this be? Well, my theory is that although Mel Gibson and Paris Hilton are both self absorbed cunts, and the wiggles and Johnny Damon are all gay, what these people have to say really is irrelevant to those of a voting age (noting that the wiggles rule those under the age of 4 and that Paris Hilton is like "so hot" to those between the age of 13 and 17 - or those retards who are up to the age of 24, but have the mental capacity of a 13 - 17 year old). The point is, they have no influence on the outcome of the world in the large scale. Public opinion is different than government decision making. With that, I realized that government as a whole is the biggest Douche Bag of all, and all its members are, by virtue, vaginal public hairs. So, I turned back to the yellow pages, but this time for design purposes, realizing that I wasn't going to find what I needed on the inside (hell, inside is what got me in this mess in the first place). I constructed a website, thanks to the help of two helpful sites (do you like that redundancy?) mentioned at the bottom of this page. This site, allows the user to find the politicians that have the most impact on them, via the decisions that they make. From Idaho? Sucks for you... time to move somewhere else. However, in the mean time, click on Idaho and find your Governor, your two Senators, and your single, useless Representative. You will find links to pages (thanks to Juan Cabanela - although he has no idea I am using him for this, nor does he know me at all for that matter) with interesting information about whatever politician you desire. However, information aside, I want you to call them! I want you to fax them! I want you to email them! I want you to let your politicians know just what sort of a job they are doing for you. You think they are great and doing a good job representing you? Tell them this as positive reinforcement will act as a steering wheel to keep them on path, going in the same direction. Do you think they should fall off a cliff and die on impact? Don't tell them this in these words as you might have the authorities knocking on your door. However, you should tell them how badly they are ruining our country through their own agendas and special interests and how you, as their constituent, are not happy in the least bit. Don't be shy - tell them FUCK YOU DOUCHE BAG! Politicians are generally either naive or they are super sensitive. If they are deeply tied to religion, they mostly likely are naive. However, if they are not, there is a chance that if you hurt their feelings bad enough they might just slit their writs, or at the very least turn to drugs or prostitution to make them feel better, at which point there is a good chance they get caught and thus never reelected again. Now, I don't want you to get the wrong idea about this site or politicians. There are a good handful who want to make a difference. Not all public servants are slaves to the corrupt system. I am in a position where I have to list them all, as my opinion to decent will differ from yours. I want not to imply that my opinion on the elected officials is the word of the land, as you know, George W. Bush would have. There are gems in all the coal, like Independent Senator of Vermont Bernie Sanders; Mayor of Newark, NJ, Cory Booker; the Governor of Florida, Charlie Crist; and our President of the United States, Barack Obama. Now, I am bound to take a lot of heat for my strong endorsement of Mr. Obama, but like you have the opportunity to tell your politicians FUCK YOU DOUCHE BAG, I need only tell you the same thing. With that, I leave you the below Dirty Dozen - 12 of the biggest Douche Bags to surface a la politics in the last few years.
Oh, I know that there are more - a lot more! But, I'll let you point them out and tell them they are Douche Bags... NOW... Like Waldo... go find them and point them out with Jubilee... Let them know just what they are! |
